My beautiful baby, Holly Claire, was born sleeping on 12th July 2006. 

I discovered I was pregnant a month after my 40th birthday, it was a complete accident, but after the initial shock I was so very thrilled.  I'd always dreamed of having a baby but once I reached 40 and had no long term partner I had thought this may never happen for me.  

I lost my dad last year and lost my mum on Valentines day this year, so I thought this little one was meant to be and coming into my life where my parents had left.

I had a perfect text book pregnancy and I did everything I was supposed to do.  I read books and kept myself informed, I ate healthily and had set up the baby's room with everything it could possibly need - and more.   I was lucky with morning sickness, I felt a bit queasy at times, but nothing serious.  The second trimester was fabulous.  By the third trimester it was getting very hot in the UK and I was definately ready for baby to be here.

I only had one incident about a month prior to going into hospital where baby's heart rate dipped and I was rushed into hospital to the labouras they thought the baby was in distress, but as soon as I got to hospital baby's heart rate was good and strong. I had regular check ups after that, in fact my consultant had said that the baby was one of the most checked he'd ever known.

In my 40th week the fluid surrounding the baby was a bit low, but as every other test came out fine it was agreed that no intervention need take place.

In my 41st week I was relieved when I was given a date to go into hospital to be induced.  I hardly slept with excitement that night thinking that this would be my last sleep alone in my house - how wonderful.

I arrived at hospital in the afternoon but was told they couldn't start the induction undtil early hours of the next morning. I was put on the heart monitor around midnight for a check. There were concerns that the baby's heart rate kept dipping but then it would soon go back up to normal. I was on the monitor for a couple of hours when it suddenly dropped to 60 and I was immediately rushed to the labour ward. When I was linked up to the monitor there, the heart rate was back to normal. I went to the bathroom and when I came back there was another dip to 60. A consultant came to see me (it was about 3 in the morning at this point) and said that sometimes babies can grab the cord and compromise the oxygen and as the heartrate was back up to normal she left it at that.

The heartrate stayed at normal for several hours after that so I was allowed back to my ward for the induction process to start. It was about 7:15 in the morning now and I fell asleep for 20 minutes when I got back to my bed as I'd been up all night. When I went back on the monitor after about 45 minutes of leaving the previous monitor, the midwife tried for ages to find baby's heartbeat.

The midwife rushed off to get another midwife, she then brought a doctor who came with a portable scanner.  I had seen the images of my baby so often that I was familiar with where the heart was but I could see it was not beating.  Two consultants came in as well and confirmed that the baby had died.

I was devastated. Words cannot actually describe my feeling of despair. To go through the whole pregnancy and be just a couple of hours before labour was induced was totally unfair. I couldn't believe what they were saying, I begged them to take the baby out, perhaps they could resuscitate it, but they said it was too late.  I was so confused, I had only just come off the other monitor, how could baby have died?

I grabbed my tummy and gently shook it saying 'wake up baby, please wake up'.  

I was taken into a private suite and the induction process continued.  I was given all sorts of things throughout the day to bring on labour which came on fully about 7 in the evening.  

My birthing partner Claire stayed with me for the whole process.  She was amazing, solid as a rock.  She had previously agreed to be my birthing partner, but no one ever expected that she'd have to help me deliver a sleeping baby.
Holly Claire was born asleep at 11.20. She looked so perfect and was a good strong weight - 7 pounds 6 ounces, she had an amazing crop of thick blond hair. It was so hard to believe that anything was wrong with her.

I recently had the results of the tests which showed there was nothing wrong with Holly whatsoever.  This doesn't help, I wanted something to be wrong, something to explain why she wasn't here with me.  

I had waited a very long time to be blessed with a baby. I had changed my whole life to have a future as a single mum and now it has been taken away from me.   The pain is so unbearable I don't know when I'm ever going to smile again. 

I love you Holly, be at peace my precious Angel.
xxxxxx

A Poem for Holly by Mummy

My Darling Holly
My beautiful little girl
You were everything I wished for
You were going to be my world

I loved you for nine months
And will love you for eternity
But I’ll never understand
Why you were taken from me

To see your beautiful face
I know that I was blessed
You’re my precious little angel
And now you are at rest

You have my nose and thick blonde hair
I’m sure you would have had my eyes
But you never got to open them
I’ll never understand why

You worked so hard to grow for me
You did so very well
I hope you are at peace now
My darling little girl

I waited such a long time
To be blessed with your charms
I’ll never understand
Why I was left with empty arms

But my heart is full when I close my eyes
And see your beautiful face
My empty arms will always yearn for you
But in my heart is where you have a place

We’ll be together one day Holly
But till then every day I swear
I’ll tell you how much I love you
With a smile and with a tear

Mummy




 

POEMS

Thank you to those who wrote the following poems, I hope you don't mind that I have used them for my special angel Holly Claire

I Thought Of You Today

I thought of you today,
But that is nothing new
I thought of you yesterday
And will tomorrow, too
I think of you in silence
And make no outward show
For what it meant to lose you
Only those who love you know
Remembering you is easy
I do it everyday
It's the heartache of losing you
That will never go away.

On the day that you left me
I thought that I would die
I wondered where the time went?
I asked alot of whys??
With people all around me
I felt alone inside
From all their words of comfort,
I couldn't seem to hide,
I thought I might be dreaming
That I'd wake and find you here,
I thought "This can't be happening."
As I wiped another tear.
On the day that you were laid to rest
My heart broke yet again,
I wondered if the pain would end,
But mostly, I wondered when??
It's hard to be without you,
At times the days seem long,
Sometimes I just sit crying,
When there's really nothing wrong.
I wish we'd had more time,
Before your life was done.
I hope your resting peacefully,
My precious one 

I carried you so lovingly,
Within my gentle womb...
And little did I realise,
Your life would end too soon.

I never got the chance to say
"I love you, little one"...
Before I held you in my arms,
Your life on earth was done.

The grief is indescribable,
To lose a child this way...
All the many hopes and dreams,
Just vanished on that day.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright
Upon my baby's face...
When I finally get to heaven,
All my pain will be erased.

We'll soar the skies together,
As angels two by two...
We'll have a sweet reunion
This mother's dream come true. 

I am still her mother

In a baby castle, just beyond my eyes
My baby plays with angels toys that money cannot buy
Who am i to wish her back into this world of strife?
No, play on my baby, you have eternal life
At night when all is silent and sleep forsakes my eyes
I'll hear her tiny footsteps, come running to my side
Her little hands caress me so tenderly and sweet
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes
And embrace her in my sleep
I know i have a treasure, i rate above all other
I know i have true glory
I am still her mother. 

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so". 

A child speaks from Heaven

Although you think I've gone
and you feel your heart is breaking,
you think that I have left you
in a world you see as taking.

I know you feel so cheated
from the little time we had,
but this isn't what I want,
to make you feel so sad.

Please believe in me
you don't have to let me go,
I live on in your heart
so much more than you can know.

I know it's hard to understand
but one day you'll know I'm right,
you needn't stumble in the dark
you can always use my Light.

Please believe that I'm still with you
and that all these words are true.
You once looked after me,
now I'm looking after you.... 

When you lose a parent, you lose your past.
When you lose a spouse, you lose your present...
But when you lose a child, you lose your future.

A wife who loses her husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses his wife is called a widower.
A child who loses their parents is called an orphan.
But in Yiddish they say there is no word for a parent who loses a child...
That's how awful the loss is. 

The Littlest Angel

I'm only a small child, not much do I know.
But God holds my hand as I look down below.
I'm here with the Father in the most wonderful place
yet I can't feel much joy when I see your sad face.

Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
as you struggle along and you wipe every tear.
If only I had words I could send you today
that would tell you I'm home and I'm really okay.

Heaven is so beautiful with sparkles and white wings
and the angels are teaching me so many things.
I'll grow and mature in this heavenly land
while holding on tightly to the Father's soft hand.

So don't grieve for me now, but find peace in you soul,
and know God has finally made your little one whole.
And even if you can't seem to understand "why",
please know in your heart that our love didn't die.

He tells me that just for a time we must wait
and then I can meet you at Heaven's front gate!
So for now, know I love you in my own special way
and we will meet again on that glorious day. 

Like Snowflakes

Like snowflakes on a sunny day,
Like tissue on flame,
your time with me emphemeral
You left just as you came

You crept into my consciousness,
Left handprints on my heart,
As your future turned into your past
An end with scarce a start.

Like blossom blown from Spring-time trees,
Or dew dried by the sun,
Your chance to run life's marathon
Stopped at the starting gun.

You touched my life so briefly
You looked then turned away,
Yet the impact of your presence
Stays with me every day.

Like fantasies flee from the truth,
Or dreams fragment each morn,
As hopes become reality, your sun set upon its dawn.

But you were, and so you are,
My child, my precious one,
My baby cradled in my heart,
My stars, my moon, my sun

Like a snatch of divine harmony,
or fragrance in the air,
Or sunset greyed to darkness,
In your absence you're still there.

By Sue Young 

You Are To Me

You are to me....
The child whom moved inside my womb
Who was born unto me and who I held for a few moments
but who will live in my mind and heart for an eternity

You are to me.....
The child they will not mention,
the child they pretend did not exist.
Please remember my child as if she lived a lifetime
because she lives inside my heart-forever-until i draw my last breath.
I will always remember her.

You are to me...
Butterflies in the spring.....
A rainbow after the rain....
Stars on a warm summer night.....
The sun shining to wake me through my window....
All the earthly beauty my eyes can see
and the warmth of true love.

You are to me an angel whom taught me to be a better person
Showed me how to have compassion for others in need
Showed me how to be a stronger person to face my fears
and most of all.....
touched my heart with your unselfish love.

You are to me.....
My Angel

By Traci Pape 

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.

You ask me how I am doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime. 

I am still a Mummy; I was a Mummy from the start.
What makes me a Mummy is that feeling in my heart.
Pregnant I was, there was a baby inside me.
For some Mummy's all it takes is to know, they have planted that seed.
There is a bond that takes place from the moment that you know.
Inside of your body someone special has started to grow.
My baby didn't make it; she is in Heaven up above.
In my heart I'm still her Mummy, I am filled with endless love.
Something happens to a woman when her seedling starts to grow.
Unless you have felt these feelings it is impossible to know.
She meant the world to me and I will never be the same.
All I need is for you to listen when I wish to say her name.
She may be gone but she's not forgotten I miss her each and every day.
Could you imagine that it would be any other way?
What kind of Mummy would I be if I forgot my daughter, my special one?
I had planned my whole life around her, all the great things we would have done.
I may have another child to make my dreams come true.
There is something I know for certain, she will always be my first child, my daughter, and I her Mummy too. 

If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes there's an image of your face
And once again I come to realise
You're a loss I can't replace 

Thank you for visiting Holly Claire's site, 
please feel free to light a candle xxx